Biscuit Lovers of the World Unite

Rio has a health and body centric culture, however I have bore witness to a dark and hidden subculture that exists in the city, that of  the ‘obestos’. This group of overweight people are labelled as deviant and shunned by the beautiful people’s that populate the beaches with ass and chemically aided muscles constantly on show. After some careful investigation I realised this group must have originated from the abundance of delicious biscuits available here.  I’ve found Brazil has some of the best selection of biscuits that I’ve ever experienced, far removed from bourbons and custard creams, there has obviously been some real effort to create some badass biscuit based awesomeness.

As an athlete I like to eat like one – so this means the consumption of large quantities of said biscuits. As a matter of some importance, I thought it necessary to provide a review of the deliciousness.  I have selected 5 different varieties, which I have rated and hopefully provide you with a report on the ultimate crunch based snack. There were some rules to this, I tried to avoid using similar biscuits and flavours and also there was no products from the evil empire of Nestle, who unfortunately seem to make absolutely everything here.

They were each judged out of twenty based on four categories:

I. Deliciousness

II. Aesthetics (how pretty they are)

III. Moreishness

IV. Versatility

Pao de Mel:

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Deliciousness: 3 – Bought these guys on a bit of a whim. The name translates directly as honey bread and that’s what they essentially are, disguised as a biscuit. You have to be careful how you say ‘Pao’, if pronounced incorrectly it means penis and you don’t want to be caught asking for honey dicks at the supermarket!

Aesthetics: 4 – They look super delicious, chocolate covered awesomeness, that’s really what roped me in to giving them a whirl.

Moreishness: 1– Here was really an issue, as a dude that likes to smash a packet or three on a crazy biscuit binge session, two of them was actually enough, they were super heavy.

versatility: 0 – I had the great idea of putting them in the microwave and then spreading the melted down business on toast. What seemed to be the idea of a culinary mastermind turned out to be a big mistake. The chocolate melted leaving the honey bread stuff inside just burning. I returned to a smoked out the kitchen.

Overall: 12

Tortinhas Due – Cheesecake Geleia:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Cheesecake biscuit says it all, this is without question one of the best tasting biscuits ever. You have got the triple threat of mouth pleasure, its got icing, the crunchy base and some fruit sauce business going on.

Aesthetics: 5 – It also looks like an attractive and appealing treat, it’s sad to say but biscuits in the U.K do not look this sexy.

Moreishness: 5 – As I write this there’s two left in the pack, which I just opened to sample in order to write the blog. You literally have to smash them all. For cheat days it’s vital to get a pack of these and a pack of the lime cheesecake ones and do then both.

Versatility: 4 – On my quest for the ultimate biscuit experience, I discovered these badboys can be combined with other biscuits – for example your split an Oreo in two – pop a cheesecake delicious in the middle of it and put it back together and BOOM you’ve got that straight up gangsta biscuit sandwich.

Overall: 19

Recheadinho Goiabinha:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Fig biscuits tend to be a divisive biscuit which split opinion right down the middle, I personally love them, you can’t go wrong with a combination of dried fruit and biscuit. That is what these guys essentially are, they are figs minus the fig, this has been replaced by deliciously sweet goiaba. They taste like nothing else and due to the inclusion of fruit you can kid yourself into some nutritional value.

Aesthetics: 4 – These guys aren’t the bombshells of the biscuit world, their outer shell is very plain but what really matters is what’s on the inside right? The inner biscuit is an extremely pretty red fruity Goiaba filling.

Moreishness: 5 – The first pack of these I bought, I eat one and then decided to eat the rest of them in secret so I didn’t have to share any. Definitely moreish and could possibly lead to friendly accusations of an eating disorder.

Versatility: 0 – They struggled on versatility, there was nothing much you can do with these guys, they don’t even do dunking very well. This however shouldn’t be seen as a drawback they are amazing on their own. Although at a push they could be used as dominos.

Overall: 14

Wafer Mousse Limao:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Lime wafers, the thought of it sounds somewhat unconventional if not straight up grim, why would anyone combine the two?  But no word of a lie these guys on some next level delicious.

Aesthetics: 3 – Not your Brazilian beauty but an average looker you would have no problem introducing to your homies.

Moreishness: 5 – On a number of occasions I have brought myself to the point of actual sickness from the consumption of these wafers, it seems there is only so much wafer the human body can handle and it’s so damn hard not to eat these to the point of involuntary expulsion.

Versatility: 3 – Stick some Nutella or any relevant spread on the top of one of these and then sandwich with another and you have created a monster.

Overall: 13

Rosquinhas sabor Banana com Canela:

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Deliciousness: 3 – Whilst these guys are somewhat plain, they are a bog standard biscuit with a slight hint of banana. But for some reason I continue to be drawn to them, it’s like there is a little reminder of childhood somewhere in every single one.

Aesthetics: 1 – These guys look super unappealing, straight up Kwik Save economy 10P a packet business. Looks can obviously be deceiving though.

Moreishness: 4 – With a Coffee these become straight up crack and like any worthwhile addiction leave you alone and ashamed after nailing the a 400g bag.

Versatility: 5 – Ridiculously suited for dunking. In addition, I made the discovery that these bad-boys become just like Farley’s Rusks if you stick them in milk. Bowl full of biscuits and milk and pimped up with cinnamon = delicious and highly unnutricious meal option.

Overall: 13

The winner of the most delicious biscuit in Brazilian and maybe the world!

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Besides eating a shit load of biscuits the most awesome thing happened at the academy a few weeks ago. It was Profesor Terere’s first session back after returning from Europe. It had already been an honour that he requested to roll with me first. Things then became Super Saiyan levels of awesome when the session finished and he said that he had a gift for me. He then proceeded to present me with a Gi, not just any old kimono but his very own, that is the Gi actually worn by the greatest of all time Fernando Terere! I was literally taken aback, this was literally better than opening The Horde’s Lair on Christmas day (Sorry Dad) better than anything ever. It was super cool, he thanked me for my positive presence at the club and the hard work I put in. I thought about not wearing it and keeping it to frame but how would I get all the secret black belt powers out of it? I’m not gonna lie the Gi slept next to me that night.

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Got my man, Fernando Terere brown belt Caranguejo, showing how to destroy the guard of the most dastardly of guard players.

Also Check out my homeslice’s club at http://satoribjj.com/home/

Ran by my homies and active world level competitors John and Patrick Sheridan. If your ever in Dublin be sure to peep their academy for some Beast Mode Jiu-Jistu.

Doing it real B.I.G at Carnival

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Being in Rio at this time of the year I had a opportunity to experience the world famous Carnival, so large an event it attracted 920,000 tourists over the course of the long weekend in Rio and brought over 2 million people out onto the streets throughout Brazil on each day of the celebrations. It is described by locals as “The Greatest Show on Earth”. With that being said, my personal experience of Carnival was, it kind of sucked ass. My resentment began with the fact that the academy, well all academies were closed over the period, from Monday to Wednesday of Carnival week, there was no training.

I generally wasn’t too fussed about the whole thing – I wasn’t about to pay upwards of 700 beans to spend 12 hours watching the Samba parade at the sambódromo with 75,000 other people.  Begrudgingly though, I thought I had to experience some part of Carnival, so I peeped one of the street parties known as blocos. I made an initial mistake by not getting completely steamed, whilst this seemed like the right thing to do for upcoming competitions but doing this sober made it extremely difficult.

The ‘fun’ began the same way everything here seems to, with an exceptionally painful bus ride. It started innocently enough with a near head on collision with another bus, at which point everyone on the bus began to chant and bang on the windows and roof like it was all fun and games, the other bus immediately joined in the fun by doing the same. A personal highlight was the pirate we past who was drunkenly directing traffic with a road sign which had been freshly torn down, homeboy was loving it though. Things became unbearable when a pissed up dude with a mega phone got on and positioned himself right next to me. He proceeded to sing, holler at chicks and shout ‘Polica’, at which point he would turn the police siren on his megaphone. I was nearly forced to pull deep half on him, sweep, come up on top and perform a hundred hand dick slap on him. He continued the same routine the entire journey which lasted forever and exceeded the limit of how many inebriated bodies it is possible to pile together on a bus.

After getting off I was presented with what only can be described as a underage disco on a truely astronomical level in the middle of the street. I was literally surrounded by hundreds even thousands of pissed up teenagers. I was quite intrigued in the standard approach to hooking up, you basically grab hold of a chick and make out with her, if she doesn’t like it, she will push you off which doesn’t really matter as you just grab the next one. Although sometimes, no didn’t mean no, as I saw one dude get pushed off by a chick, undaunted he grabbed her head again and amazingly this time she seemed to enjoy it and BOOM love connection! I saw a good number of domestics disputes albeit in Portuguese, it’s a universal scene, dude forced to stop in the street whilst he gets yelled at by an angry chick whilst he looks into the distance wishing he hadn’t just said the stupid thing he just did. I always enjoy it when it isn’t me on the receiving end.

There was some pretty impressive looking outfits, I saw babies in nappies, porn star esque devils, blushing brides and fairies, more impressive was the fact these were all dudes. In addition to plenty of pissed up swedes dancing in front of angry bus and car drivers. Due to the sheer size of the bloco it was literally a mass of drunken humanity which was very difficult to make your way through, which also resulted in my kicks getting trodden on to shit, this began the ascent to the edge of my nerves. We were segregated to an area due to the crowd which didn’t have any music either, this really took away from the atmosphere, it really was people just getting straight pissy and then hooking up. I lasted in total about 60 minutes before I left the homies and went home to celebrate Carnival in my own way, eating biscuits and watching old ECW PPVs.

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I’ve included pictures of the carnage in the aftermath of the Carnival celebrations. The street cleaners in an awesome and sadistic move picked the perfect opportunity to strike over pay. The beaches and streets looked like post apocalyptic waste lands. The smell of all this got worse every single day, at first it smelt like a mixture of baby faeaces and vomit but by the end of the week it had grown to a stench the level of a fully fledged decade old aids condom.

 

New technique we have my homie and instructor; Terere Brown belt Caranguejo. It’s in Portuguese but there’s some serious details on the leg drag. Dude has got some of the most beautiful Jiu-Jitsu I’ve seen, definitely a competitor to watch out for on the world stage in the next few years.

TABA 3D

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I am moving next month and will not have to make this super stressful and potentially deadly bus ride each day, thus I am hoping this will be the last blog that I write on the subject. But until that time comes I have more observations that I feel are worth sharing.

11. I can’t believe it took me so long to notice this, on most buses there is a sign that says you have to give up your seat for obese people among others. This is by far the most impressive form of visual semantics I’ve ever seen. Rio is a society that is obsessed by body image and fitness. One only has to peep the workstations placed along the beaches, you can literally see people busting out chin ups at eleven o clock at night, I’ve even seen dudes just out of work doing dips in a shirt and work pants. Anyway as well as being a city of super health conscious individuals there is apparently an abundance of obese people as well, enough to warrant a sign on the bus saying to move for them. Frankly after the daily fight for a seat I would slightly begrudge moving for someone because they are ‘obesos’

12. Tattoos with people’s names are seem to be the done thing here in Rio, I’ve seen so many people, male and female sporting the names of others. I’m sure you will be reassured to know that this includes the obligatory ‘mae’ and ‘pai’ (Mum and Dad). I’m not questioning the sense of getting inked up with someone’s else name in fact some of the lettering looks dope. One that did puzzle me though on one particular bus ride was a girl sporting the name ‘Patrick’ in huge and unattractive lettering on her neck. Now I’m not the expert on Brazilian names but I don’t think there’s many Brasileiros called ‘Patrick’! This happened on the same journey that I saw a dude who was unquestionably Brazilian carrying a rugby ball, pretty random bus ride.

13. There are certain similarities between bus rides here in Rio and those in the U.K. In my experience you are guaranteed to get a piss head going off and I was unfortunate enough to sit next to said dude a few weeks ago. The ride began as normal, I sat down next to some dude and as usual the evening traffic was  gridlocked. To begin with I can see homeboy mumbling to himself, I’ve got my headphones in, so couldn’t hear him and choose to ignore it anyway. After a while his anger started to rise and he began to bang on the window and his complaints began to get louder and drown out my music, at this point I started to edge ever so slightly off the seat. He then starts to bang on the seat in front, the guy sat there didn’t complain after my drunk friend gave him crazy eye when he turned around. By now he had started to shout, the thing that made it really weird, every so often he was switching into English to swear, he is screaming in Portuguese but then will drop in a ‘mutha fucker’ or ‘bitch’. I think he was doing it for my benefit as I must have a sign above my head saying ‘gringo’. At this point, I’ve got half a butt cheek on the seat and I made the executive decision that if I didn’t move he might stab me with a diseased needle so I made a rapid getaway to the front of the bus!

14. Moped drivers here in Rio have absolutely zero regard for their own safety. Every single day these crazy ass dudes just pull straight out in front of the bus, it actually sends me under watching them and seriously annoys the drivers who I think speed up to try and hit them. There is definitely not a dress code to ride these bad boys either – whilst helmets are generally observed, pants are optional. It is not an uncommon sight to see dudes cutting through the traffic in a pair of speedos. I never realised but mopeds can also be used for sleeping too, there is a restaurant delivery guy I often walk past when I get off the bus, homeboy just leans on food delivery box and has a good old snooze.

15. Back home crack heads usually stick to robbing a gaff or two in order to support their habit, not here in Rio. As we stopped at a red light along the beach, I noticed a dude giving his friend a foot up into a tree. The guy scaled up it like a pro and began to collect coconuts which he then threw them down to the other dude. I thought this was cool as hell, the speed dude got up the tree was super impressive. Then I took a closer look, both dudes had no shoes on and made Renton look like he’d eaten too many lemon buns. Now without casting aspersions on these fine gentlemen but they obviously had a fondness for that brown stuff. This left me even more impressed, they were providing a vital service selling coconuts to dehydrated beach goers, crackheads of fine character!

This week I’ve have got my homeslice Christian Pierce showing how to trip up those punk ass guard pullers