All posts by TFDH

The Last House on the Left

My stay in the imfamous Connection Rio house has recently come to an end. In the last six months I have had ridiculous levels of fun which is directly down to the people I have met and shared my time and space with. I have made some truly amazing friends from across the globe,  I’ve even had my own (much maligned) pro-wrestling click. Thus one would envision that living in a house full of Jiu-Jitsu dudes or any space that is full of people who share the same hobbies and interests would be peace and love all the time. And for the most part that is exactly what it is, train hard then come home and make penis jokes with the homies. BUT during this time, I have met some weird ass people. I have come to realise that sharing a gaff full of twenty dudes means there’s a good chance that you will encounter people that you would enjoy slapping the piss out of on a daily basis.

I thought it worthy of documenting some highlights of these ‘special’ people, no names will be given in the interests of not being a complete bastard. I had intended to write this as one blog but I have decided to split it into two, as I think there’s is only so much dumb-assness one can take reading about in a single sitting.

 

Weirdos:

I had the displeasure of meeting the inbred offspring of Lee Harvey Oswald. Whilst he appeared quiet, unassuming and introvert, Lee Harvey like guns, in fact he really liked guns. If you were unfortunate enough  to mention anything associated with weaponry he would spring to life and inform tell you all about calibers and bullets and all sorts of other boring shit that no one cares about except for other maniacs who enjoy killing things. It also turned out that Lee Harvey wasn’t a big fan of the Jewish homies, a real recipe for disaster an anti-semetic, weird-ass gun nut.

JFK Assassination Bullets

We had another dude who had an interesting idea of what constituted acceptable clothing. Upon opening the front gate to the gaff one morning, I was presented with a seriously white ass Canadian dude returning from training in his boxers. This particular Jiu-Jitsu practitioner trained at Gracie Barra which was practically a mile away, he had walked the entire way in his grundies. Rio is a pretty liberal city, when your near the beach it’s not an uncommon site to see an old dude in the speedos proudly sporting his saggy nuts. BUT you don’t see gringos walking through residential areas naked save their duds and a pair of kicks. I politely enquired where his pants were, to which he informed me that he had asked the instructor whether it was ok and he’d said it was cool. If anyone asked he if it was acceptable to walk home in their bockers through the HUD I would be like ‘yeah sure, go for it dude’ but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do!

Aids Spreaders:

The spread of infection is unfortunately something that is bound to happen in a house full of dudes that train BJJ. This likelihood is multiplied by the fact there are mats in the gaff that people use to drill, roll, eat and sleep. These mats are also frequented housemate’s favourite feline ‘Permenta’ who uses them for snoozing and sneezing, if you have never seen a cat eject a greeny like a projectile missile straight out the nostril then you are really missing out.  In light of this, it is in everyone’s best interests to be hygienic, unfortunately many people who come through the house didn’t appear to get this memo. During my time in the house the number one culprit for aids spreading was a gentlemen visiting Rio on his travels around South America. Dude didn’t like to wash his clothes, he complained it cost to much to use the washing and drying facilities, so rather than hand wash his business, better to just stink like ass instead. Funny enough within a week of his stay, he acquired full blown aids on his leg. Although he did stay off the mats which was than likely at the request of fellow housemates rather than his desire to keep others free from this terrible affliction. A further related issue was he liked to touch, I’m all for public displays of affection but the last thing you need is an aids spreader constantly putting their hands on you. The irony is, he was overheard doing his thing with a female housemate and he choose the shower of all places.

Interesting Characters:

There has no shortage of interesting dudes during my stay at the Connection Rio gaff, one of my particular favourites was Australian pro-wrestler turned BJJ blue belt. Super nice guy but more Hacksaw Jim Duggan than Hulk Hogan. When homeboy said he used to be a pro-wrestler I kind of imagined some super backyard promotion in the outback. I couldn’t of been further from the truth when he proceeded to show us multiple matches including cage and ladder matches in front of 1,500 people. Apparently he had once asked Bret the Hitman Hart if he had any advice for him as an aspiring wrestler and Bret told him to watch videos of his matches, which I thought was inspiring advice from the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.

We had a random Brazilian dude come and stay on the mats, he was in Rio for the Ultimate Fighter trials the next day, after spending all afternoon just chilling with him we discovered it was actually Alexandro Ceconi, Abu Dhabi World Pro champion and all around bad ass heavyweight grappler. What most impressed me most wasn’t his willingness to give me and the homie a cheeky private on passing the guard but his ability to consume large quantities of Salgados. The salgado comes in many forms and guises but is essentially a Greggs pasty with added cheese and explosive deliciousness, any man that can consume their own bodyweight in them and then go and try out for a place in the world’s largest fighting organisation the next day, is already a champion in my eyes.

We had another Brazilian black belt who as well as being an absolute beast on the mats gaining international success this year was also a super cool guy. He had mentioned in passing conversation that he was in the process of a divorce from ‘crazy’ wife. It was quite the surprise then when said (soon to be) ex wife strolled down the path and shared the single bunk bed with him in a room full of 5 other dudes for the rest of his stay.

 

Part 2 coming…

 

My belt which is looking throughly ghetto fabulous these days became a bit more sexy when it gained two new stripes. Thank you very much to Professor Nogueira who felt like the belt needed this touch of pimping.

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Biscuit Lovers of the World Unite

Rio has a health and body centric culture, however I have bore witness to a dark and hidden subculture that exists in the city, that of  the ‘obestos’. This group of overweight people are labelled as deviant and shunned by the beautiful people’s that populate the beaches with ass and chemically aided muscles constantly on show. After some careful investigation I realised this group must have originated from the abundance of delicious biscuits available here.  I’ve found Brazil has some of the best selection of biscuits that I’ve ever experienced, far removed from bourbons and custard creams, there has obviously been some real effort to create some badass biscuit based awesomeness.

As an athlete I like to eat like one – so this means the consumption of large quantities of said biscuits. As a matter of some importance, I thought it necessary to provide a review of the deliciousness.  I have selected 5 different varieties, which I have rated and hopefully provide you with a report on the ultimate crunch based snack. There were some rules to this, I tried to avoid using similar biscuits and flavours and also there was no products from the evil empire of Nestle, who unfortunately seem to make absolutely everything here.

They were each judged out of twenty based on four categories:

I. Deliciousness

II. Aesthetics (how pretty they are)

III. Moreishness

IV. Versatility

Pao de Mel:

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Deliciousness: 3 – Bought these guys on a bit of a whim. The name translates directly as honey bread and that’s what they essentially are, disguised as a biscuit. You have to be careful how you say ‘Pao’, if pronounced incorrectly it means penis and you don’t want to be caught asking for honey dicks at the supermarket!

Aesthetics: 4 – They look super delicious, chocolate covered awesomeness, that’s really what roped me in to giving them a whirl.

Moreishness: 1– Here was really an issue, as a dude that likes to smash a packet or three on a crazy biscuit binge session, two of them was actually enough, they were super heavy.

versatility: 0 – I had the great idea of putting them in the microwave and then spreading the melted down business on toast. What seemed to be the idea of a culinary mastermind turned out to be a big mistake. The chocolate melted leaving the honey bread stuff inside just burning. I returned to a smoked out the kitchen.

Overall: 12

Tortinhas Due – Cheesecake Geleia:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Cheesecake biscuit says it all, this is without question one of the best tasting biscuits ever. You have got the triple threat of mouth pleasure, its got icing, the crunchy base and some fruit sauce business going on.

Aesthetics: 5 – It also looks like an attractive and appealing treat, it’s sad to say but biscuits in the U.K do not look this sexy.

Moreishness: 5 – As I write this there’s two left in the pack, which I just opened to sample in order to write the blog. You literally have to smash them all. For cheat days it’s vital to get a pack of these and a pack of the lime cheesecake ones and do then both.

Versatility: 4 – On my quest for the ultimate biscuit experience, I discovered these badboys can be combined with other biscuits – for example your split an Oreo in two – pop a cheesecake delicious in the middle of it and put it back together and BOOM you’ve got that straight up gangsta biscuit sandwich.

Overall: 19

Recheadinho Goiabinha:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Fig biscuits tend to be a divisive biscuit which split opinion right down the middle, I personally love them, you can’t go wrong with a combination of dried fruit and biscuit. That is what these guys essentially are, they are figs minus the fig, this has been replaced by deliciously sweet goiaba. They taste like nothing else and due to the inclusion of fruit you can kid yourself into some nutritional value.

Aesthetics: 4 – These guys aren’t the bombshells of the biscuit world, their outer shell is very plain but what really matters is what’s on the inside right? The inner biscuit is an extremely pretty red fruity Goiaba filling.

Moreishness: 5 – The first pack of these I bought, I eat one and then decided to eat the rest of them in secret so I didn’t have to share any. Definitely moreish and could possibly lead to friendly accusations of an eating disorder.

Versatility: 0 – They struggled on versatility, there was nothing much you can do with these guys, they don’t even do dunking very well. This however shouldn’t be seen as a drawback they are amazing on their own. Although at a push they could be used as dominos.

Overall: 14

Wafer Mousse Limao:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Lime wafers, the thought of it sounds somewhat unconventional if not straight up grim, why would anyone combine the two?  But no word of a lie these guys on some next level delicious.

Aesthetics: 3 – Not your Brazilian beauty but an average looker you would have no problem introducing to your homies.

Moreishness: 5 – On a number of occasions I have brought myself to the point of actual sickness from the consumption of these wafers, it seems there is only so much wafer the human body can handle and it’s so damn hard not to eat these to the point of involuntary expulsion.

Versatility: 3 – Stick some Nutella or any relevant spread on the top of one of these and then sandwich with another and you have created a monster.

Overall: 13

Rosquinhas sabor Banana com Canela:

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Deliciousness: 3 – Whilst these guys are somewhat plain, they are a bog standard biscuit with a slight hint of banana. But for some reason I continue to be drawn to them, it’s like there is a little reminder of childhood somewhere in every single one.

Aesthetics: 1 – These guys look super unappealing, straight up Kwik Save economy 10P a packet business. Looks can obviously be deceiving though.

Moreishness: 4 – With a Coffee these become straight up crack and like any worthwhile addiction leave you alone and ashamed after nailing the a 400g bag.

Versatility: 5 – Ridiculously suited for dunking. In addition, I made the discovery that these bad-boys become just like Farley’s Rusks if you stick them in milk. Bowl full of biscuits and milk and pimped up with cinnamon = delicious and highly unnutricious meal option.

Overall: 13

The winner of the most delicious biscuit in Brazilian and maybe the world!

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Besides eating a shit load of biscuits the most awesome thing happened at the academy a few weeks ago. It was Profesor Terere’s first session back after returning from Europe. It had already been an honour that he requested to roll with me first. Things then became Super Saiyan levels of awesome when the session finished and he said that he had a gift for me. He then proceeded to present me with a Gi, not just any old kimono but his very own, that is the Gi actually worn by the greatest of all time Fernando Terere! I was literally taken aback, this was literally better than opening The Horde’s Lair on Christmas day (Sorry Dad) better than anything ever. It was super cool, he thanked me for my positive presence at the club and the hard work I put in. I thought about not wearing it and keeping it to frame but how would I get all the secret black belt powers out of it? I’m not gonna lie the Gi slept next to me that night.

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Got my man, Fernando Terere brown belt Caranguejo, showing how to destroy the guard of the most dastardly of guard players.

Also Check out my homeslice’s club at http://satoribjj.com/home/

Ran by my homies and active world level competitors John and Patrick Sheridan. If your ever in Dublin be sure to peep their academy for some Beast Mode Jiu-Jistu.

Doing it real B.I.G at Carnival

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Being in Rio at this time of the year I had a opportunity to experience the world famous Carnival, so large an event it attracted 920,000 tourists over the course of the long weekend in Rio and brought over 2 million people out onto the streets throughout Brazil on each day of the celebrations. It is described by locals as “The Greatest Show on Earth”. With that being said, my personal experience of Carnival was, it kind of sucked ass. My resentment began with the fact that the academy, well all academies were closed over the period, from Monday to Wednesday of Carnival week, there was no training.

I generally wasn’t too fussed about the whole thing – I wasn’t about to pay upwards of 700 beans to spend 12 hours watching the Samba parade at the sambódromo with 75,000 other people.  Begrudgingly though, I thought I had to experience some part of Carnival, so I peeped one of the street parties known as blocos. I made an initial mistake by not getting completely steamed, whilst this seemed like the right thing to do for upcoming competitions but doing this sober made it extremely difficult.

The ‘fun’ began the same way everything here seems to, with an exceptionally painful bus ride. It started innocently enough with a near head on collision with another bus, at which point everyone on the bus began to chant and bang on the windows and roof like it was all fun and games, the other bus immediately joined in the fun by doing the same. A personal highlight was the pirate we past who was drunkenly directing traffic with a road sign which had been freshly torn down, homeboy was loving it though. Things became unbearable when a pissed up dude with a mega phone got on and positioned himself right next to me. He proceeded to sing, holler at chicks and shout ‘Polica’, at which point he would turn the police siren on his megaphone. I was nearly forced to pull deep half on him, sweep, come up on top and perform a hundred hand dick slap on him. He continued the same routine the entire journey which lasted forever and exceeded the limit of how many inebriated bodies it is possible to pile together on a bus.

After getting off I was presented with what only can be described as a underage disco on a truely astronomical level in the middle of the street. I was literally surrounded by hundreds even thousands of pissed up teenagers. I was quite intrigued in the standard approach to hooking up, you basically grab hold of a chick and make out with her, if she doesn’t like it, she will push you off which doesn’t really matter as you just grab the next one. Although sometimes, no didn’t mean no, as I saw one dude get pushed off by a chick, undaunted he grabbed her head again and amazingly this time she seemed to enjoy it and BOOM love connection! I saw a good number of domestics disputes albeit in Portuguese, it’s a universal scene, dude forced to stop in the street whilst he gets yelled at by an angry chick whilst he looks into the distance wishing he hadn’t just said the stupid thing he just did. I always enjoy it when it isn’t me on the receiving end.

There was some pretty impressive looking outfits, I saw babies in nappies, porn star esque devils, blushing brides and fairies, more impressive was the fact these were all dudes. In addition to plenty of pissed up swedes dancing in front of angry bus and car drivers. Due to the sheer size of the bloco it was literally a mass of drunken humanity which was very difficult to make your way through, which also resulted in my kicks getting trodden on to shit, this began the ascent to the edge of my nerves. We were segregated to an area due to the crowd which didn’t have any music either, this really took away from the atmosphere, it really was people just getting straight pissy and then hooking up. I lasted in total about 60 minutes before I left the homies and went home to celebrate Carnival in my own way, eating biscuits and watching old ECW PPVs.

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I’ve included pictures of the carnage in the aftermath of the Carnival celebrations. The street cleaners in an awesome and sadistic move picked the perfect opportunity to strike over pay. The beaches and streets looked like post apocalyptic waste lands. The smell of all this got worse every single day, at first it smelt like a mixture of baby faeaces and vomit but by the end of the week it had grown to a stench the level of a fully fledged decade old aids condom.

 

New technique we have my homie and instructor; Terere Brown belt Caranguejo. It’s in Portuguese but there’s some serious details on the leg drag. Dude has got some of the most beautiful Jiu-Jitsu I’ve seen, definitely a competitor to watch out for on the world stage in the next few years.